A sensible grasp on the English language when speaking to other humans.
After a turbulent semester – with mainly the fight between me and time management rocking the ship – I thought I’d basically burned my own bridges with these amazing women through sheer you-suckery. I was sucking at deadlines, sucking at contributions, and sucking on overall expectations. I mentally prepared myself for phone chats with both of them today, fully expecting two different dosages of polite GTFOs.
Instead, I got the opposite:
We love your work.
We still want you on the team.
No, really. It’s okay.
STOP FREAKING OUT.
And, cherry on top, even offers for some ridiculous opportunities of which I feel disgustingly unworthy.
I thought, these are incredibly smart women, and these two different forces don’t know each other. I think. Which would make it exceedingly inconvenient for them to communicate, might this be some sick New Year’s prank. Still, I feel like I’ve been such a lackluster contributor and kind of a douche.
What makes them so believing in my own talents and potential?
Where’s the disconnect in my own self-esteem?
Why can’t I pull that kind of encouragement and forgiveness out of myself?
I was so hard on myself, I never considered why these people take me on in the first place: I’ve done and can do great things. Without this knowledge, I’ve kind of spun into this cycle of false you-suckery: A few simple mistakes on my part combined with said-womens’ niceness snowballs into manic guilt, pushing my ambition further and further back until I don’t even try anymore — thus, ironically, affirming my suckery.
Well. Suck no more, America. If I can’t encourage myself, thank you, universe, for surrounding me with people who believe in me.
‘Stime to start remembering how I got here in the first place.
…STEROIDS. (Fight on, McGuire)