Hard on. Yourself.

Forgiveness.
Patience.
Understanding.
A sensible grasp on the English language when speaking to other humans.

These are the things that the amazing boss-ladies in my life, Diane & Carla of HangPROUD and Sumaya of YOPROCO, seem to have an infinite amount of towards me, and I need to know who their dealer is.

Note to self: Feel like this. All the time.

After a turbulent semester – with mainly the fight between me and time management rocking the ship – I thought I’d basically burned my own bridges with these amazing women through sheer you-suckery. I was sucking at deadlines, sucking at contributions, and sucking on overall expectations. I mentally prepared myself for phone chats with both of them today, fully expecting two different dosages of polite GTFOs.

Instead, I got the opposite:
It’s okay.
We understand.
We love your work.
We still want you on the team.
No, really. It’s okay.
STOP FREAKING OUT.

And, cherry on top, even offers for some ridiculous opportunities of which I feel disgustingly unworthy.

I thought, these are incredibly smart women, and these two different forces don’t know each other. I think. Which would make it exceedingly inconvenient for them to communicate, might this be some sick New Year’s prank. Still, I feel like I’ve been such a lackluster contributor and kind of a douche.
What makes them so believing in my own talents and potential?
Where’s the disconnect in my own self-esteem?
Why can’t I pull that kind of encouragement and forgiveness out of myself?

I was so hard on myself, I never considered why these people take me on in the first place: I’ve done and can do great things. Without this knowledge, I’ve kind of spun into this cycle of false you-suckery: A few simple mistakes on my part combined with said-womens’ niceness snowballs into manic guilt, pushing my ambition further and further back until I don’t even try anymore — thus, ironically, affirming my suckery.

Well. Suck no more, America. If I can’t encourage myself, thank you, universe, for surrounding me with people who believe in me.
‘Stime to start remembering how I got here in the first place.

…STEROIDS. (Fight on, McGuire)

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One thought on “Hard on. Yourself.

  1. Brian Citizen says:

    Hey! I only know you through the virtual world, but I can relate to you really well. You are very very very talented! what happens with that though is that everyone wants a piece of you, including us at OBJourney lol. I am jealous of how well you write and your humor and insight also make your contributions that much more special. I , myself have a hard time saying no and find myself doing things I dont really want to do or doing everything I want to do at the same time! Ahhhhh. However, one thing that I am putting into practice can help with those decisions. You have to create simple rules when it comes to projects. At set of questions you ask yourself before you agree to anything. For instance:

    Will saying yes to this have a negative effect on my grades?
    Will this deter me from fulfilling current obligations?

    Or they can be statements.

    I will only accept an opportunity that require X hours a week.

    Successful companies have been employing simple rules as strategies for years so that they can pursue opportunities quickly, but do it with a certain standard in mind. Cisco at one point had a simple rule that said ” Companies to be acquired must have no more than 75 employees, 75% of whom are engineers.” This helped them stay away from potentially exciting opportunities, but once put under the microscope of what they really needed, didnt match up. Saves time and money.Think about it. God Bless.

    One of your biggest fans,

    Brian

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