Operación Meditación: Day 45

Here’s something I’ve sorta kept on the DL:
I’ve been cuh-ruuushing my New Year’s resolutions.

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I think it has something to do with saying nothing about it to (practically) no one, but #gatdamngatdamn, it’s been almost two skraight months of excellence.
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Since January 3rd, I’ve been:

  • Busting out cardio + swimming laps, 3 times a week: Religiously, relentlessly. I’ll cancel plans. The fact that my body now craves it is a testament to the TERRIFYING fact that, with enough practice, you can trick your body into effing anythinnnnnng.
  • Making myself sit down on Sunday mornings, deposit into my savings, and pay any & all bills: This is really just about getting over my recurring fear of logging into BankofAmerica.com.
  • Waking up at 7:45am every day, no matter goddamn what: To do all of the following, basically —
  • Doing 14 push-ups every day: (14 for ’14, LOL) A thing I picked up from one of my favorite teens last summer. She did them every morning, which eventually, SOMEHOW, motivated the entire cabin of grumpy teenage girls to do them together every morning. That simple-a$$ change in routine somehow became a thing, our thing; an incredible bonding moment and daily attitude-adjuster for my teens (and myself). Tiny, but moving. So I figured she was onto something.
  • Meditating every day: No one knows me better than my Calm.com iPhone app, at this point. Forcing myself to shut the hell up for 5/10/15 minutes every morning has literally turned me upside down.

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And after meditating, every day, I take a hot second to write down whatever the hell came to me during m’quiet time.
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That’s right, mom.
I’VE BEEN KEEPING A MEDITATION JOURNAL.
JUDGE AT ME, BRO.

I seriously think of Dwight every time. Actually. No, but I do!

I seriously think of Dwight, like this, every single time. Actually. I actually do.

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In my ratty leather notebook that someone gave me one time, I have an entry for almost every day since January 3rd. Some days it’s super focused and I spit some mad game; some days, all I can manage is “SleepySleepyBAI.” But there’s some good stuff in there, and I figured, maybe it’ll be meaningful to someone other than myself if I shared some of the weird, weird weirdness that comes out of me?

SO I’M STARTING NOW AND YOU’RE ALREADY READING SO YOU’RE TRAPPED!

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DAY 45: 2 | 16 | 14

I went for it without the Calm app’s creepy music today and it actually ruled. No weird dreamy track to encourage my own weird dreamy thoughts to float away. Lately, I’ve been managing stray thoughts by imagining that thought filling up a helium balloon, labeling the balloon (“Things I’d Do To Jesse Williams”;”Because I Watched Frozen Last Night”), then releasing it; letting it have its damn moment for a second, then floating away. Works.

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Anyway, two thoughts came to me:

1) Re: All things — I know what I have to do; I just have to work up the courage to do it. (Pretty sure I stole that from Spanglish, though)

2) “Let the river take you there” is probably one of my favorite mantras of 2013. But then I thought, what if the river isn’t some nebulous, mysterious outer force? What if it is you; what if it’s letting yourself manifest the sh*t you want? What if it wasn’t about escapism, but facing yourself? The moving power isn’t out there, somewheres; it’s you. Your own river; your own force to make things happen, to trust in, to let take the wheel.
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If there’s something I learned in this very special ~*~SeLfIsH~*~ time in my life, it’s that the more you learn about yourself, the more you discover you don’t know. The more of an awesome mystery and gift-that-keeps-giving you realize your insides are (YOU’RE A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE). I’m starting to think that “letting the river take you” doesn’t mean kicking back and letting another source take responsibility for the outcome of things. Maybe it means getting out of your own way and letting YOU guide you, trusting not that some divine external being will give you the opportunities & answers (like Sway; rookie mistake, Kanye), but that you’ll discover them for yourself. More responsibility, maybe, but for the first time, not really burdensome.

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Maybe I’m the goddamn river.

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Oh, also: Reflected a little bit on About Time, aka Sobbiest Movie of the Millennium — and living each day as if you’re a charming, ginger-headed time traveler, and you specifically picked today to relive. Notice things. Smile at them. Make today a better go ’round than “the first time.”

This just makes sense to me

~*~*LiVe EvErYdAy 2 tHa Domhnall Gleeson-iEsT*~*~

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